Mahb Sex

Why it helps to be Teflon-coated if you’re a politician caught up in a sex scandal.
By Joanne Kam

So, you’re a politician who’s probably very aware of the fact that politics and sex tend to go hand in hand like Anthony Weiner and selfies. JFK had a thing for blondes, John Profumo liked showgirls and Bill Clinton… well, we’ve never looked at cigars the same way again, but hey, we can’t deny how celebrated he is now, both as a philanthropist and an elder statesman. Hillary might have the balls in the family, but Bill has all the charm. Yes, our country has seen its fair share of sex scandals too, although none of “the other women” have come anything close to the likes of Olivia Pope. If you’re holding political office and have just been caught with your pants down, here are a few possible scenarios to ensure you come out of the whole situation smelling of roses:

It looks like me, it sounds like me, but it isn’t me.

Depending on how shady the incriminating evidence or poor the video quality is, you can fight back like the average Chinese politician caught having sex with his mistress by saying your rivals hired a doppelgänger to tarnish your reputation.

Present a united front.

At this crucial time, your family is your best asset. In the true spirit of Hillary Clinton, the nation will be more inclined to forgive you if your wife does. It doesn’t matter that she now only speaks to you via her personal assistant or has you firmly by the balls, which she can squeeze whenever she wants; your wife is your best supporting actor. The kids probably hate you too, so you’ll need to bribe your daughter with an all-expenses-paid shopping trip to Paris and your son with a brand-new Porsche.

Confess everything.

Do an Arnold Schwarzenegger: issue a public apology for your misconduct, give a slew of interviews on your transgressions, grant your long-suffering wife a divorce, and make a Hollywood comeback in an action blockbuster starring your buddy Sly and a bevy of perky starlets.

Learn the 3Rs.

Repent: appear genuinely remorseful for your indiscretion.

Reform: ask for forgiveness from God and rediscover your moral backbone through your renewed faith.

Redemption: take a leaf from David Vitter’s book and “do the right thing” by resigning, but continue to hang around the party sidelines to shore up enough support to ensure a resounding re-election victory.

Put up a smokescreen.

Seek the services of an Olivia Pope—a fixer who can run rings around the media. When the nation is presented with a bigger, more sensationalist story, your scandal will be pushed off the front page faster than you can say “Heidi Fleiss”.

Embrace a revolving door policy.

Emulate French President François Hollande who, after kicking out de facto first lady Valérie Trierweiler of Elysée Palace, immediately resumed his affair with mistress Julie Gayet. Sure beats sneaking around on a scooter in the middle of the night.